How do you survive shopping with a woman ?

Well how do you survive shopping with a woman? It is a question that man has tormented over since the idiot who invented fashion. If man had it his way we would all walk around in unisex jump suits. But my dear friends before you jump off the harbour bridge or slit your wrists in desperation here are a few tips to help you survive.

1)Firstly make sure that you have a big meal the night before as you may be walking around hopelessly lost for at least 7 maybe 8 hours if you’re lucky. It will be a marathon effort and if you go in with this in mind you may just survive.

2) Secondly she's going to ask you a question which will go something along the lines of do i look good in this? Firstly you’re dead if you answer it and your dead if you don't so it's best you give her a fake answer, at this point try to look at your feet, cough inconspicuously or try say that you need to go to the toilet. She will know that you haven't answered the question but at least you haven’t (excuse the French) dug yourself a whole of shit that you can't dig yourself out of.

3) the most important part of surviving a shopping experience with a woman is to never ever ever under no circumstances complain. Don't show any signs of weakness just smile and agree with everything she's telling you. If she asks you to sit down or get something to eat say that your fine and at least you can hide the fact that from the first moment you agreed to do go shopping with her it has felt like a thousand kicks to the nuts.

Well i hope these tips will help you on some dark gloomy day in the not too distant future when your girlfriend is dragging you round by the ankles from Myer to DJ's And remember as the great mark twain said which i think applies to shopping as well , "There is nothing comparable to the endurance of a woman. In military life she would tire out an army of men, either in camp or on the march".

By Patrick warren